A dichotomy; for I am a free soul yet a pragmatic thinker, for there are a set of personal circumstances in a contradictory cultural context, and I am stuck in the middle: the bloodied canary, barely flying in the coal mine.

I've let my head guide me before and I've let down my heart. I keep on deferring dreams, I keep on hoping sacrifices will yield something significant, I keep on waiting for my hunger for life to be satiated, I keep on excusing personal defeats, I keep on letting them take a mile when I offer a reluctant inch, I keep my myths hidden so life can maul on; I keep on, because that is all I can do.

A little advice, a shoulder to cry on, massive arms to hide in, a home, a gut feeling -- in absence of all these, I'll keep on, because that is all I know how to do.

I'm indecisive. I'm idealistic. I'm questioning. I'm dreaming. I'm wondering. But most of all, I'm worrying. I'm worrying my life away. I'm worrying all the dreams away. I'm worrying the laughs, the friends into the distance. I can't wake up without looking at myself in the mirror and thinking negative adjectives to attach to my name. I'm almost existing; most definitely not living.

I let minor setbacks drag me into absolute mediocrity where I treat everything with extreme caution so I don't hurt anymore. I still think of Fall 2006 because moving on is something I've never had to do. I remember the sacrifice I made in the Spring of 2007 and realize it's a sacrifice too heavy for me to bear. My ego is too large, still.

Sometimes all I need is something tangible to hold onto. Not school nor friends provide me that. I'm adrift.